25F, Seeking Something More

Hi party people, Happy Friday 🙂

Things haven’t been bad by any reasonable means recently, but– and I don’t know about y’all– life has just been weird. I have whole days feeling good and stuff, but then either; weird feelings creep in in the evening for no apparent reason; I find myself frustrated over what I feel like I’m doing/not doing with my life; and/or, more often than not, I feel like I just can’t keep up with anything that I used to be so on top of. It’s almost like there’s a lack of “inspiration”, or something that’s just been.. eluding me.

I’ve been seeing a new therapist, hoping she’d be a better fit for me, and in some ways she is. My old therapist, Marcus (specializes in teens & young adults dealing with depression, grief, and substance abuse) has been VERY busy with other clients (understandably, I mean look at the world), and he’s amazing– so on one hand, I don’t want to take up his time if there’s people who need it more. If I can say this about myself; he’s helped me get so incredibly far over the last 2 years, and for that I will always be tremendously grateful for him. It’s on the other hand that feels like I’ve outgrown his specialty a bit, and our sessions were tapering off in usefulness.

This lead me to finding another provider through work. Michelle is her name, and at first I was like “this is going no where”— but admittedly, it did get better for a session or two. I think I confuse her, though, because I typically know what is bothering me and can rationalize why without her help. She’s asked me on several occasions whether or not I think our sessions are helpful and each time I’ve said yes, because I don’t think they don’t help… it’s always nice to have a sounding board to make sure you’re not missing something or going astray. But that said; they’re definitely not as blatantly helpful as when I first stared going to therapy 2+ years ago. Nowadays, it seems like I more just talk my thought processes out with her to validate them, to which she almost always confirms, and then we talk about the random ways that people/life/current events are just weird.

What I noticed with her, though– and was something I noticed with Marcus towards the end, partially prompting my search for a new therapist– is that when I end up trying to explain my stances and perspectives from a more spiritual(?) perspective, neither of them typically understand/grasp what it is I’m talking about, because– maybe obviously, haha– I could imagine that my approach to thinking about all things intra-personal is not the most “typical” clinical use case. I like to call it abstract, but.. who knows what it is, haha

Astrology, Numerology, The Collective, The Other, etc etc– of course it’s fair that they aren’t familiar with those things. A lot of people aren’t, which I’ve come to accept as normal. I could imagine that even the people who consider themselves “all-in” with these topics see them all a little differently, respectively– due to the deeply personal nature of them. As you could probably imagine, though; it’s a little hard to try and concisely explain my views on spirituality every time I bring something up that they aren’t already familiar with, when it’s all become so integrated into how I look at myself, my life, other people, situations, and so on– and it’s information I’ve collected from dozens of various sources over literally 12+ months haha, it’s not really concise. And it comes up a lot— but not on purpose; it’s mostly when they ask deeper, “discovery” questions in response to something I say, and in my effort to answer honestly, I end up getting into my thought process around something spiritually abstract or theoretical.

And every time without fail, I end up feeling a little silly… which isn’t a spot I particularly enjoy being in in therapy, because I don’t think I should feel silly when I’m being open and honest… especially not about topics that I genuinely don’t think are unreasonable, let alone stupid, to wonder about. I don’t feel silly because of what I’m saying, but more so because even over zoom, I can tell when I’m losing someone’s attention or understanding. This– under the clock of a 50 minute session– results in me trying to pivot; trying to summarize my thoughts, “keep it short” or whatnot– which usually feels ineffective or doesn’t feel like I’m doing my thoughts justice on the level I think they need or deserve to be found useful, proven by the responses I’ve been given as a result. Watered-down responses, to a reluctantly watered-down explanation.

In therapeutic practices, I want to feel comfortably uncomfortable– not uncomfortably uncomfortable, where my discomfort lies in the fact that I’m trying to edit or water-down my thoughts, or constrain them in unnatural ways simply for the sake of communicating with someone who isn’t picking up what I’m putting down. It’s not very helpful for someone who’s trying to figure out what it is that’s bothering them, when the people who are trying to help you don’t remotely know what it is that you’re talking about.

Not to mention, it feels like it wastes a lot of the time that I pay good money for that’s supposed to be helping me, not requiring me to give lessons on various spiritual ideologies that they might not even subscribe to and then therefore– how will they be able to help, you know? It’s no one’s fault, but it seems fair to assume that it would almost be foreign territory for them as traditional therapists.

The day before my most recently scheduled appointment with Michelle, I was thinking to myself “maybe I should just cancel and tell her I’ll reschedule for a later date because… I really don’t know what to talk to her about, and I’m not all that sure she can help… and I think we both might feel that way.” Then what do you know; two hours later, she cancels for the next day, due to being sick. I was kinda relieved, haha– just funny, because neither she nor anyone at her company has reached out to reschedule and it’s been over a week… seems kind of unusual, but maybe not. I might reschedule at some point, but the jury’s still out.

Regardless; the Sunday prior (two Sundays ago), I decided it might be worth finding someone who is definitely still educated & certified in traditional therapy/psychological counseling, but who has a practice integrated with even basic, basic concepts of spirituality. I wasn’t sure what I meant by that– was honestly just hoping for anyone who might loosely know what I’m talking about when I say “Leo”, “Gemini”, or “Capricorn”; someone who doesn’t look at me blankly when I ponder aloud how much of a role the full moon was playing on my feelings when my emotions had been all over the place that day… but really, someone who subscribes to the idea that there’s something greater within us, within all of us– be it the “collective spirit”, our “higher self”…that “this is not all there is”, or something. Literally anything.

So I took to Google, not sure if that really even existed– but hey, I couldn’t imagine that I’m the first person who’s wanted to look into this, hahah. First page of Google pops up a woman by the name of Kara Catrelle, a certified Psychotherapist based in Asheville who focuses on Jungian psychology & eastern Vedic Astrology, has been practicing clinically for 20+ years, and is currently finishing her PhD. Aside from the credentials, some part of me liked that she’s in Asheville, in North Carolina– felt right that she was so close to home. I stalked her personal instagram and given she was out dancing in the bars in the 70s, I’d have to guess she’s in her late 50s or early 60’s, haha, and with age has to come some sort of wisdom, I’m thinking, if nothing else?

After emailing back and forth with her assistant, and taking an early (6:45amMT/8:45amET) 10 min consult call with Kara on what service would be best to start with, we decided the best place would be to start by diving into exactly what’s at the foundation of what we’re (read: I’m) dealing with here– my birth chart.

We scheduled a 50 min Vedic Astrology reading for two mornings later, and in all honesty I did not look into what “Vedic” astrology meant ahead of the call. I knew it probably varied a little from whatever “normal” astrology means to me, but I didn’t think much about it– if at all– prior to getting on the phone for our appointment. Thankfully she asked at the beginning if I’d ever had a Vedic reading done– to which I said no, at least I don’t think so— and she explained that basically;

“The west uses the Tropical system, and it doesn’t line up exactly with the sky– so it’s actually ahead of the real sky by almost a whole sign. India and other eastern regions use the Sidereal system, which is basically a true picture of the sky above exactly where you are.”

I haven’t had much time to look more into this, but from what I’ve gathered thus far; in the United States, Tropical is most popular and is more “Sun-centered” astrology (who here is surprised by this? not me, lol– we’re already known around the world as some of the most individualistic, self-centric people– and it seems to fit that characterization). Whereas on the flip side, Sidereal is like a map of the literal sky above a specific point on the earth at any given point in time.

Again, I know very little as to why some people choose to follow one over the other and I’m hoping to learn more, but honestly– that description alone seems like a fair argument in favor of Sidereal. On top of the fact that Sidereal originated way back in the early years of pre-patriarchal India, is still very highly regarded today when picking potential matches for arranged marriages in India, and is also the system of choice for most people in China & Japan– I appreciate what seems to be greater historical authenticity with Sidereal… a level of deep-rooted authenticity that I’m not sure Tropical is even old enough to have? (PS: if you haven’t watched Indian Matchmaking on Netflix, you should add it to your list, hahah)

Back to the reading: We covered.. a lot. So much, actually, that we went 10 minutes over, haha. I didn’t have much time to interject with questions, but I did at a few points that felt wildly too important not to. I’ll try and spare much of the details (ended with pages and pages of notes, of course), but some key takeaways/thoughts I had afterwards included:

• Vedic astrology seems to align much more closely to my views of Self, spirituality, before & after life, karma, my own life experiences, and who I deeply feel to be at the root of Lauren– than western astrology ever has… which says something to me, hahah
• I’m not an Aries/Gemini/Capricorn as I always believed (and still do identify with in many ways, however contradictory it may possibly? be); but am actually a Pisces sun, Aries venus (equally important as the sun in Vedic astro), Taurus moon, and still— Capricorn rising
• When someone in India (or another place that practices Vedic astrology) asks you your sign, they want to know your Rising sign because that’s considered to be “the totality of your personality, looks, and values”
• Vedic astrologists are trained to look at someone, and accurately identify their rising sign purely based on facial features– nuts that that is even a testable & “provable” concept?
• I have past-life karmic debt to finish repaying, which confirmed my already-held suspicions from independently calculating my numerological “Karmic Number” earlier this summer– but on the up-side I suppose; I came into this life “ready & ‘on a mission’ to finish repaying it all”
• There’s energy in my chart that directly reflects the energy of my Birth Cards (two-card tarot pairs based on your date of birth)
• Carl Jung’s take, that “Life begins at 40; everything prior is simply research”, might have some serious truth to it
• The way my moon is placed in Taurus (which is a sign normally ruled by the moon) is in something called Kritica (the first 10 degrees of Taurus), which actually makes Taurus ruled by Mars rather than the Moon. This is challenging for Taurus, since Mars is the Aggressive, the Fighter, the Planet of War– and the moon is the opposite of that in nearly every way. Something about it made Kara say “yeah.. if you’d gotten a reading by someone in India when you were really young, they probably would’ve straight up told you you were going to lose your mom, because they’re tend to be brutally honest like that, and your chart definitely speaks to that. Your moon is pretty challenging, and while the moon is always tied to the mother, yours also has past-life ties to the mother”. <– we had to move on, so we didn’t get to go much deeper on this
• My moon is at almost the exact degree of Taurus that it was in last night, when it was eclipsed… the longest lunar eclipse in 580+ years, and an eclipse that won’t be outdone (longevity-wise) for the next 600+ years. Don’t ask me what that means because I don’t know, and honestly I’m not sure I’m fully ready to know, haha– ah
• My interest in going after something in regards to higher education (Masters, PhD) which I’ve been thinking about more & more over the last 2 years… is validated in my chart as part of my purpose in this life

At the end of the hour before Kara ran to her next call, she said “I know we covered a lot, and we actually went ten minutes over… but that’s totally okay. It’s funny, because I went back and checked that I had your birth information correct after I pulled your chart, because it.. has that much going on, I thought I had maybe accidentally entered it incorrectly. I seriously thought to myself ‘How on earth… what has this person’s life been like up until now?!’, and I genuinely was really looking forward to talking to you. I know the coaching sessions aren’t cheap, and that you wouldn’t be able to use insurance because you’re no longer in North Carolina… but if you thought this was helpful and would be interested, I’d really like to have at least one more session with you, because I can tell you’re going through it and there’s more I’d like to discuss with you.”

Afterwards, I can’t lie– I was feeling hella overwhelmed. Not entirely in a bad way– mostly in a shocked, overwhelmed way haha– I don’t know. Way too much of what she said aligned with things I’d already thought or observed, in some cases aligned with things I’d expressed to my friends here and there, and certainly aligned with views I hold about myself and some key life experiences. Like, she didn’t know my mom died till I interjected about halfway through as a question, purely to see if I was connecting dots internally in a way that was “correct/incorrect” by Vedic standards. I was kinda giddy, but also kinda like– oh my god, what do I do with this? This is just a lot. What am I supposed to do with this information? Anything, some things, nothing? I can’t un-know it now, or realistically come to un-believe to at least some extent? Oh lord.

Once upon a time, I maybe will admit that I’d had a passing thought about how it would be maybe/possibly kinda cool for someone to look at your chart and tell you how “rare” and “unusual” parts of it is (granted, that was a thought I had after looking into my western astrology chart and thinking that was the end-all-be-all)– but now… I dunno, idk idk idk idk about that anymore, haha. I’m half expecting that she’s going to be let down in a way when I give her my “life story” on our next call, because she seemed to be under some sort of impression that I’ve had a crazy life, when it actuality hasn’t been at all that “unusual” by normal standards. It’s all subjective, obviously, but… I just don’t know what, if anything, to make of it.

All in all; it resonated more with me than maybe anything ever has in my life. As next steps, I booked a 3-session package with her because I really want and need to understand more about the interpretation of my chart. To me, looking into and seeking to understand anything associated with this sort of highly personal, and highly impactful, influential, and possibly “truthful” information is worth way more than many, many a price tag.

I’m not saying it cost like, a grand, but y’know. I’d seriously consider paying a grand if it was.