these past 12 months

It’s funny– I’ve probably thought about posting on this 20 or so times since 2021 started, and haven’t brought myself to do so. I’ll be thinking about something intently, and think to myself “I should write about this” and then nearly immediately follow that with “well, eh, it’s not really a complete thought so I’ll wait” and then… next thing you know, I’ll never post again, hahaha. I tell myself “just journal about it instead, you don’t need to post things where everyone can see them” and I tend to follow that path instead– but sometimes it’s nice to share ponderings with other people.

One thing that’s become very front of mind for me is how much has changed in the last year. Yeah, a lot of the things we have been learning or seeing more of have been issues, systems, problems etc for hundreds of years– so not talking about change there (at least in this post). Maybe I’ve been more sensing a very obvious change in myself, therefore changing the perception I have of the world and the people around us, and of who I am too.

Obviously, the changes I’ve noticed in myself have been the most abrupt and shocking. As of recent (past 3 months or so) I’ve been having a very unusual sense of a lack of grounded-ness, one I’ve never experienced so intensely before. Now, this may be in part due to the fact that I am probably more self aware than I ever have been before, which is fine. Who am I kidding– it’s all fine, haha. But as someone who has been making a larger effort to be not just a participant, but an observer in my life and in other’s lives, it’s kinda weird? Let’s take it back in time a little to see where this started

Last summer after visiting my family in NC to go to the beach, I came back to Dallas and told my roommate that I was done drinking on a daily basis and that I was going to make a bigger effort to eat better. It was a year and some change since my mom had passed away, we were several months into the pandemic and working from home, Black Lives Matter marches were happening outside our apartment multiple times a day, and being 24 year old sales people, we did what we always did– drank, smoked, ate Canes as much as we wanted– we were trying to utilize the same things we always had (read: in college) as a means of having fun and frankly, coping. Coping with introspective stresses that you normal face in your post-college years, plus societal, work, and humanitarian stresses. #Normal #Casual #NervousLaughs

I was always decently in shape growing up, thanks to playing two sports and generally being active. That all went pretty down hill when Mom got diagnosed. I’d always looked up to my mom, not just as a woman and a mother and the person in my family whom I was most bonded with, but as a professional & sociable woman who could give herself to everything… everything and everyone, but herself. She was so damn selfless. While I will always admire her with my entire heart, something around mid summer last year made me ask myself, “Lauren, when are you going to stop? When are you going to quit making excuses as to WHY you can’t DO BETTER FOR YOURSELF. You continuously do anything for anyone, but when is the last time you did something for yourself other than treat yourself with wine, beer, queso, chicken tenders, or a margarita?? Face masks do not count.”

I was 24, wondering “if I don’t start now, when will I ever start? My frontal lobe is almost done developing, isn’t it?? I need to make sure my brain gets stuck in a GOOD place rather than anywhere else…. ah shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.”— don’t know if that’s exactly how it works physiologically, lol, but that’s how I was looking at it.

My most recent ex boyfriend was a 29 year old who was often doing prescription drugs (which I did not know was occurring until several months after we started dating…niceee right), getting drunk and making an ass of himself (and me, I felt, by association), and was having medical emergencies every few months as a result of years and years of abuse to his kidneys. Now I have NEVER partaken in prescription drug use, but I recognize that it’s a slippery slope and no one intends to get in that position. But I recall (pre-pandemic) driving him to pick up his car one Friday during lunch at an indoor soccer complex because he’d gotten too drunk after taking 2 Percocets prior to the game and had to leave his car overnight– and I looked him dead in the face and said “Are you kidding me. Are you kidding?? You’re TWENTY NINE, 2-9! If it’s not going to end now, when will it!? Are you still going to be doing this when you’re 35, 45? What the fuck dude. Do better. Do fucking better. I’m pissed.”

By mid last summer we’d been apart for a few months and I was far over the relationship, but that time in the car creeped into my head. Lauren– you’ve been drinking for 6 years straight, basically– college to post-grad. You drink 2 bottles of wine EASY a night after work. You stay up until 1 or 2 or 3 am and wake up minutes before your morning team meeting, exhausted; you entertain the idea of grabbing fast food or takeout probably 7 times a week– and not healthy take out, hahaha. I’m talking Canes, Chickfila, PopEyes, fried sushi. You’re 5’6″ & weigh 180 lbs, which I’m absolutely sure falls into the “overweight” BMI category (it does, I checked). You have been doing so well at work, you’ve been learning a lot about the world, your mom fucking DIED last year for god’s sake and you got yourself into therapy, you have been giving everything to your friends and family that you have, like– honey, you’re okay, but you’re not okay. You’re kinda doing the most, while nothing at all. You’ve been put through the fucking wringer, largely due to the world’s doing. What have you been unnecessarily putting yourself through? Aside from therapy, what have you been doing to make it easier for yourself?

Short answer: Nothing. I’d been doing nothing for myself. I thought I was doing things for myself when I satisfied those immediate needs and cravings, but in short..

I was sick and tired of feeling tired and gross, and hating myself for things I was perpetuating in my own daily life. And I realized that I had been neglecting my own power to make my life better.

Growing up, Mom’s friends always referred to me as Little Darla and I ate that shit up. My mom was anchor in the world, and she was everything I wanted to be for everyone around me. Wickedly smart, humble, terrible at making jokes which made them more hilarious, outspoken and pointed when she needed to be, had the highest standards, was compassionate, hated incompetency as much as I do, was someone who went out of her way for everyone else, and loved her work. She stayed up until 3-4 in the morning, often with either Grey’s or a Tom Hanks or Julia Roberts movie on the tv, drifting in and out of sleep with her laptop on her lap while she tried to get ahead on the next work project. She’d sometimes make it to the bed, and would often be out of the house by 7 to get to work, so she could make it to our tennis match at 4pm and to PTA or Booster club by 7pm. Stop for groceries as needed on the way home, and then do it all again.

In the last few years of her life when chemo was visibly kicking her ass, I’d sometimes beg her to go to bed. There were many nights I’d stay cuddled up with her until 11 or 12, and then I’d get up and say “okay Mom, I literally cannot sleep until you go to sleep. Get up” and I’d grab her hand and literally PULL her and pull her until she obliged. Some nights I failed and she objected, saying “I just have one more email” and I’d let her go. I’d sigh, give her a hug and kiss and an “I love you!!!”, but I’m still working through what kind of impact her late nights have had on me, and on my own late evening habits.

Dad always kinda hated on her for her love for work. He loved her, but detested how much she loved work, haha. He went into engineering around age 24 for the money– he was good at math, so as someone who grew up on a small farm out in the country with blue collar parents, why not take up a major and high-paying career where he could be good at math, right? He’s good at much more than just math and engineering, though– and from our conversations I can easily guess that he would’ve been happier in a DNR role or something with nature and helping people/plants/animals/things. He had a lot of boundaries with work– or at least way more than Mom’s nonexistent boundaries, which I think made it difficult for him to be empathetic towards her obsession with working herself to death (no pun intended) and never taking care of herself. Maybe more of the issue was that it was hard to communicate with her about this.

Being Mom’s mini-me, Dad warned me that I would need to be very careful not to follow the same route. Honestly, it took for her passing for me to really begin to heed those warnings and concerns. I’m absolutely not saying Mom “did it to herself” or that she wouldn’t have gotten cancer had she taken better care of herself (turns out my grandmother also had a breast tumor removed in middle-age, but we didn’t know that until after Mom was already diagnosed, so it’s probably somewhat hereditary), but it did make me stop and think. I want to have a family one day. I cannot wait till the day I get to become a mother. I can’t wait to watch my kids turn into beautiful little humans of their own will and personalities, and I can’t wait to see them grow, and I am terrified but so excited to love them more than life itself. And if I want to do my best to mitigate my risk, so that I can bear earthly witness to all of those things for as long as the universe will allow, I should not and cannot wait one more day to start doing better. I can strive to be things for others, and to be a killer salesperson, and to be an amazing friend and one-day mom, but I needed to start by doing things for myself. Oxygen mask– gotta help yourself before you can help anyone else.

This sounds gross and disgusting, which it is, but brushing my teeth on a regular basis was one of the places I started. I used to religiously brush my teeth, but when Mom died it became one of those things that didn’t have to happen before I went to bed, especially if I was already in bed (Cooper echoed this sentiment as well). I started with a rule that even if I was already in bed, I’d get out and brush my teeth because I knew it was good for me even if I didn’t want to do it– and let’s face it, I’d be up another 20 minutes on my phone anyways so saying I was “about to go to sleep” wasn’t a real excuse.

I started getting up 30 minutes before my meetings, then eventually 45. If I overslept or wanted to lay in bed for another 10 minutes, fine– just trying was the point. Giving myself time to wash my face. Actually putting on the fancy moisturizer I had bought. Giving myself time to not be rushed as I walked around the apartment, watering all my new plant babies and picking up dog & cat toys was a refreshing change I’d never had in a routine before– probably because I’d never had a routine before, haha. Getting some plants to take care of was a great idea, because as Dad always says “having something to feel responsible for caring for makes you take better care and responsibility for yourself.”

Wise words, that Will Phillips has!

Paying my bills on time, even though I had the money and was just avoiding it. Buying that plane ticket I’d been avoiding buying for 3 months and the trip was coming up in 2 weeks. My therapist made me promise I’d buy my ticket by a deadline we specified together, and that I had to text him as soon as it was done, to hold me accountable to myself.

With the help of Marcus, my therapist and the most wonderful role model, I found that in my desire to avoid my grief, I had let myself and my responsibilities go, so that I had other “things to worry about” rather than have to deal with the REAL things I did not want to think about, let alone touch with a 10-foot pole.

I stopped staying up alone till late hours of the night. We determined that, like above, I had been doing this to achieve a WHOLE new level of “revenge bedtime” — I’d stay up worrying and thinking about things over and over again trying to solve problems that were ultimately unsolvable– like my Mom being dead and gone from the physical plane, like the world that I knew falling apart (or never existing in the first place), and like how I wasn’t “being or doing enough”. I began dissecting why I felt certain emotions– anger was always something I pinned to a literal reason; “I’m mad because XYZ is fucked up” turned into “I’m mad because this makes me sad, and because I’m stressing about ABC, and I’m allowed to feel this way because my feelings are valid”

I started buying whole wheat bread, avocados, guyere, bacon, & eggs in bulk. I’d make avocado/fried egg/cheese/bacon sandwiches for Ezra and myself for lunch everyday, and he’d make us something tasty and healthy in the crockpot or skillet for dinner– luckily he’s a very talented home chef and had a wider range of dishes to offer than I did, haha. We switched out the copious amounts of seltzers and wine for THC after dinner, and watched funny TV shows to lift our spirits. Alcohol was reserved for the weekends. We’d have long discussions over politics, the state of society, why people are the way they are, and how we thought things could change to make things better– if only the rest of the country would get open their fucking eyes, lol. And when he went to bed, I’d do my best to retreat to my own room at the same time or shortly after, between 11 and midnight.

This was all awhile interviewing then switching jobs to my new job in Denver. Moving to Denver and into a new space was really a catalyst for me to take advantage of the initial changes made in Dallas. Y’all likely know by now, I’m not a woman who’s afraid of picking up everything for a change of scenery and energy. Aside from the excitement of a new job, city, and new friends to be made, I was honestly nervous. I knew working and living from a tiny, 450 sqft room during a pandemic would not be easy– especially knowing what kind of awful, terrible habits I had indulged in when left in solitude in the past. I set my expectations low– “you’ll be alone, and you might get lonely, and it might be hard to make friends right off the bat, but just focus on making your home a safe environment that is everything you need to feel happy, safe, and cared for, and in making your mind the safest place as possible. After all, you’re the only person you really have to live with for the rest of your life.” As nervous as I was, I was excited, and a blank slate felt sorely needed after everything life had brought over the course of my two years in Texas.

Another great Will Phillips quote I say to myself and others ALL the time; “expectation is the root of all heartache.”

I’ve always hated going to the grocery store, but I found a pretty crunchy one only half a mile from my apartment that brought joy to my shopping experience. Small, very organic & healthy, and relatively un-busy, I found that I enjoyed perusing the aisles for new, healthy options I had never considered before and I appreciated that someone, somewhere, had found better food options and sourced them for the rest of us consumers– if only we knew where to look. I found Denver Central Market, which has great bagels and a beautiful painted alley behind it with tables and chairs that I could socially distance at and enjoy the sunshine alone with a book or my journal. I found joy in signing off of work at 5pm sharp just to flick on the stove top, turn on some tunes, throw open the garage door, and chop veggies that would turn into my dinner. This was followed by picking up the apartment, doing the dishes, and usually binging a feel-good tv show, or putting on headphones and socks to slide around my apartment dancing until 11 or midnight. I did this every day, and after a few weeks it became pretty mindless– and for the first time in my life, I started keeping a clean and tidy living space with minimal daily effort or brain power required. And it’s funny how self conscious you can be of your dance moves even when you’re alone, hahaha

The second day I lived here, I was sleeping on a deflated camping mattress (this is why we can’t have nice things, @Ruby) in a sleeping bag when Ruby ran across my face at 6am. I was peeved. “I am not a morning person,” I thought, “but there’s no way in hell I’m going back to sleep on the concrete at this point” so I got up. Still dark outside, an idea flashed into my mind and I quickly googled “how far away is Red Rocks from me”– and got a time, 26 minute drive. Jumped in my car, stopped at McDonalds for a coffee and hash brown, and ran up to the mountains just in time to catch sunrise from the amphitheater. It was so serene and beautiful, that it inspired me to start trying to go up two mornings a month. I followed this sunrise-watching by driving to the top of Lookout Mountain, where at one of the overlooks I jumped out, all cuddled in my jacket, and just looked out at the scenery. There was so much to look at I probably could’ve stayed all day had it not been 35 degrees, so I jumped back in my car. As I shut the door I heard someone yell and a car horn honk– I looked around and saw two girls waving at me from their sedan, parked a few spots away. I opened the door and yelled “Hey there! Is everything okay?” They laughed, and one said “Hahaha oh yeah everything’s fine, you just looked so happy just takin’ in all the views and it was really wholesome and we wanted to tell you that you’re awesome”. I smiled and laughed, thinking about how I’d probably think the same thing of a lone stranger just standing there looking at the mountains. It was a pretty wholesome activity, after all, and one I hoped to do more of so I took it as positive encouragement and went on my way. Also pretty sure they were smoking in the car, so not surprised that they were unusually enthusiastic, hahaha. One morning a few weeks later, I woke up to go to Red Rocks again, but from a first glance out the window it seemed pretty overcast. I wasn’t sure if there was going to be a visible sunrise, so I cut my losses and decided to just drink coffee, meditate, listen to a podcast, and watch from my east-facing window. Thus, proceeded to be one of the most beautiful sunrises I’d ever seen.

Writing that out, it’s kinda a great analogy. Somethings the most beautiful things come out when you least expect it.

I ended up getting into a great routine, great headspace, great place at work, etc. I didn’t have many people to hangout with, which just gave me more time to hangout with myself. I always hated being alone and not being out “doing something” my entire life, but this had changed. The pandemic forced it upon us, but after a few months of fighting it I started to enjoy it. October 2020 to February 2021 was probably the best, highly-consistent period of time I’ve ever had in my personal life, ever. Unbothered by shitty people, unbothered by myself, unbothered by alcohol as I did not keep it in the house but for the occasional glass of cabernet sauvignon, and unbothered by a toxic work culture. Mountains & hiking 20 minutes away, and a city who’s streets felt the most like home since I’d lived in Durham. People who respected the pandemic and were kind to strangers, still saying “hello!” as they passed me by on the sidewalk, despite my wearing a mask and not being able to see my expression underneath. I love passing niceties between strangers. The larger, outside world was another story, and one that did make me feel insane/angry/frustrated/hopeless sometimes, but one I could still have fun in-spite of, due to the balance I had struck within myself and my environment.

In early January, I had a late, very drunk night with some friends I knew from Dallas and was terribly, terribly hungover for work the next day. Anxiety crept in nearly immediately, and I was mad at myself for letting my apartment stay a mess (read: feeling too lazy to clean up after myself) and for a range of other things. Lauren, you don’t get blackout drunk anymore, you don’t do this stuff anymore. Why did you do it, you self-control-less moron?? Do you want to go back to how you used to be after everything you’ve worked so hard to change?? and after a talk with my therapist, we decided that I needed to actively choose to not drink. Although cutting it out 90% had been greatly helpful for me and had allowed me to be sober more often than I had been since the age of 16, frankly, and I was panicking because I felt like these old habits were tempting and holding me back from the growth I had been so excited to see and desperate to continue. Anxiety is literally a symptom of alcohol withdrawal, and as a young woman who was/is learning to rely on herself to boost her self confidence with no mama to turn and run to, I was doing myself absolutely no favors to continue to drink. I downloaded this awesome audiobook recommended by a friend, called “Quit Like A Woman: The Radical Choice To Not Drink In A Culture Obsessed With Alcohol”, and I binged all 11 hours in one weekend. I had never felt more seen, heard, enthusiastic about, or personally attacked by a book in my life, hahahaha. At the end of the book, the author detailed how she started battling her need for a glass of wine at the end of the work day by establishing a healthy routine in the morning– giving her brain the sustenance needed to carry her throughout the day without alcohol. I’d already been doing pretty well on the not-drinking, but with the guidance she laid out, as well as my knowledge of how beautiful sunrises are from my living room, I began challenging my late nights by creating, and over time sticking to, a 5am wake up call routine. I found that this gave me time back in my day to have a life before slaving to “The Man” for 9 hours a day, and a sense of self-care and compassion I had never come across in the 24 years leading up to it.

I think I’d be omitting a seemingly silly but highly important part of the story if I were to exclude the role that spirituality and astrology played in all of this. Yeah yeah, laugh at me if you want, I give absolutely 0 fucks, hahah. It helped get me here, and for that I will be forever grateful and willing indebted to it, so I will sing its’ praises in hopes that it can serve as a guide for someone else who is in need.

After being totally and utterly wrecked by emotions last summer in response to the establishments’ handling of police violence and the pandemic, I’d reached a breaking point. There was so much sadness being expressed in the world and I was taking it on as my own pain. After losing my own mother, I could not bear to know that people were being left to die or being outright killed by the sheer callousness and lack of respect that others had for their lives. Simply put, as someone who tries to see the good in all people by nature and was somewhat sheltered from the world as a child, I was totally unprepared to handle everything 2020 threw at us. Lol at the fact that my mom dying in 2019 was not too much– nope, it was 2020 that really did me in. My good friend Elizabeth, who is more like a sister, once asked me over burritos at Cosmic Cantina in Durham in May 2020, “Lauren, have you ever considered that you might be an empath, or a highly empathetic person, and that you’re taking on the emotions of others, which is causing all this pain inside you?”

I felt so blatantly read & understood. I was shocked– what? what is an “empath”?? that’s a potential reason why I feel this way?!

I felt scared, because how the hell does one handle that, first of all. I felt relieved, because maybe this meant I wasn’t losing my mind like I had been fearing– I literally felt borderline insane, you guys, haha– t’was not a good mental place and surely was not sustainable. But, maybe most of all, I felt a twinge of hope that having a starting point like this would give me a place to begin understanding what that meant, what my feelings meant, why they were that way, and how I could use them in a more productive manner.

I started exploring what my sun, moon, and rising signs were on a high level– playing with my birth chart and doing them for friends here and there. I was excited cautious about what I was finding, and didn’t really know who or how to approach sharing my findings with other people, and didn’t know if I should really even go deeper– even though I wanted to– I’m big on bouncing things off of other people to make sure I’m on the right track (which yes is actually in my horoscope too, haha). Then, I met Jake, and while talking in his kitchen in Clemson one morning he asked the ever-important “so, are you religious?” question, and I paused. “No, not really religious. I guess I’m technically Christian and think of religion in a Christian context. But I’m not practicing, and definitely more into spirituality”, I said hesitantly, wondering what this southern born-and-raised, heterosexual, white male would say to that– lol. To my delight, he replied “Same. I’m all about vibes and being a good person, and having matching energy”, and that was pure music to my ears. Literally a lightbulb of excitement immediately hit me– yes, someone who gets it! Realizing this shared viewpoint with a great, nonjudgemental guy I’d just met but already felt very in-sync with was just enough encouragement for me to jump head-first into the realm of spiritual self-discovery, and astrology was my chosen guide on what I hoped would be a road to settling into my inner self; better responding to outside triggers and influences; and finding peace in a world where capitalism and media is constantly trying to distract us from the things that hold us back most– the things that reside within ourselves.

I feel like it was around December I really got into it. I’d spend hours on my computer each night, digging into the meaning of things like Venus is Taurus in the 5th House and Jupiter in Capricorn in the 1st House, and how I could see these things applied to my life historically as well as in the moment, followed by copy-pasting a multitude of perspectives & resources into various Google docs. I looked into Numerology, a concept developed by the same Pythagoras who developed the Pythagorean Theorem, that suggests all creatures/beings/things have a unique identifying number (a unique vibration); and layered those findings on top of what my astrological chart suggested about how I approach and respond to the world. I started reading my horoscope daily, downloaded an app that gives me astrological updates and readings specifically for my birth date and time, and began making an effort to journal on the topics it brought up. Often it suggests an area where I may struggle– say with self-love and perfectionism– and on the New Moon I’d journal about my aspirations in regard to that one topic for the next two weeks; what mantra’s I’d tell myself when I got anxiety, what areas in which I’d praise myself when I needed extra self love, what small changes I hoped to manifest in my life for those two weeks, and how I expected I would feel as a result of my efforts. At the Full Moon, I’d reflect on what I did well in regard to that goal and how I could continue to foster it in my life. Sometimes I’d have the same topic for 6 weeks– can’t expect to always hit your goal in a two week window, you know– but I could take pride in the fact that I had made small, yet intentional strides.

I wrote down affirmations on little cards and decorated them all pretty because duh, why would I not, and propped them up around my apartment in places I would frequently see them.

I am so loved!

I am hardworking, and I do the things I say I will

I am forgiving of myself and others

I am thankful for everything I have

I am already successful; all I have to do is try my best

I am perfect as I am

I re-downloaded Pinterest and went nuts updating my boards; “Spirituality”, “Aries & such”, and “Words”. I re-discovered my love of quotes and the inspiration they bring– hey @ people from home, remember my childhood room? covered in quotes I painted onto canvasses? Yeah we are back on that vibe sans the canvasses, lol.

I went to a patio bar in RiNo one Sunday to journal about the choice I’d made, two days prior, to quit drinking & go all-in on my self-care and manifestation approach to life. Upon inquiring with the waiter about which of two alcohol-free cocktails was better (they have an entire alcohol-free half of the menu and it’s fantastic), he exclaimed “Oooh! I’m actually alcohol sober too, and I think you’d loooove this one”, pointing at one on the menu. I did not lead my question by sharing that I was sober, and still have no idea how he came to that conclusion other than assuming– but I was like Hm. Okay. I’m definitely not offended but more just curious as to why and how he came to that assumption– it’s a Sunday at noon, anyone could walk in here and order alcohol free drinks… but I carried on and ordered his suggestion (which was fabulous) several times over, and a charcuterie board. Upon checking out with a total of $44.44, the waiter exclaimed that it was an Angel Number, something I had heard of but had not looked into. He pulled up a website explaining that angel number 4444 “indicates that your angels are all around you and with you. The angels are offering you support and inner-strength to enable you to get the necessary work done. They understand that you are toiling towards your goals and aspirations and the angels ask that you call upon them for help, support, guidance and the emotions of love and security.” He asked, “does this feel relevant to you?” and it took everything in me not to burst into tears– and it still brings tears to my eyes as I write this. This bubbly, eclectic, colorful man had no idea what he was doing when he introduced angel numbers to me, but ever since then I’ve had periods where I see multiple a day– and I google them every time, even though I know what most of them mean by now, haha.

I found confirmation of suspicions I’ve had all along, like that being a fire-y, passionate, sometimes short-sighted & excitable person is just part of who I am. However, there of course are ways in which this plays out to my benefit, and to my detriment. I found confirmation that my often idealistic, “visionary” (horoscope’s words, not mine lol) approach to situations and societal problems are a power, not something that I should allow people to make me feel shameful for having; but that I could also stand to learn a thing or two from less-optimistic folks, which will help me figure out ways to execute on idealistic ideas in actuality. I found that being someone who can take life’s challenges and curveballs by the horns and lead myself and others through any situation is a power; but I should also be careful not to neglect my inner emotional side that just wants everyone to be happy, has it’s own sad feelings sometimes, isn’t always sure of herself, just wants things to be at peace, and doesn’t always want to have to tell other people want to do. I want to be both Daddy and Baby, in very short explanation of that section of who I am, LOL, but the way I express both roles in various aspects of my life are all wildly different, and all okay; it all makes up who I am as a person, as a soul, and in how I best exert my willpower and energy out into the world.

My favorite part about astrology that I think differentiates itself from any and all religions that I’m aware of, in that it serves no master other than your higher self, and the universe/collective humanity. It doesn’t guilt you, it doesn’t scare you (outside of the occasional “oh fuck, what does that mean for me”, haha), it doesn’t ask for your money, it doesn’t try and tell other people how to live their lives, it isn’t racist, it doesn’t give you rules, it isn’t stemmed in male-dominated, white power– it is quite literally just a reflection of you, and gives you the tools and encouragement to reflect on yourself, to help you achieve the goal of inner peace and self-love, and how to live out your true self in the physical world. You get out of it what you put in. That, to me, is true power– and is what so much of the world is lacking today.

Now, at the very beginning of this long-ass post I mentioned that I’d been feeling very ungrounded recently. I talked to my therapist about it, once and then again on another session, where the best way I could describe my feeling was as if my life was one, tall bar graph, let’s call it the color red up until Mom died. Then, at that point on the graph, that bar abruptly ends and at the same point, a new bar starts in pink or yellow right next to it– but not touching the bottom of the graph, just right next to where the other one cut off– and continues going up from there. Not just a new color on top of the old one, a totally new bar, basically suspended in the air, with no base aside from some loose ideas and origins of the old bar.

That is literally how I feel. I feel like the timeline of my life was cleanly, visibly severed– and became something that was exactly the same, but entirely, entirely different on May 3, 2019– even though it’s taken me until now to really see/visualize it.

And that’s kind of a hard thing to grapple with, for some reason. Marcus said “Lauren, YOUR MOM LITERALLY DIED. Of COURSE you feel entirely different, that was a traumatic and life changing event! How could you not?!” and, I agreed, because yes of course. However, I think the issue in grappling with it has been due to the fact that you simply cannot even begin to imagine what kind of impact an event like that has on you and on your life. You can’t prepare, you don’t know what to expect. You’re just too busy trying to find some sense of normalcy in a new world where literally everything that was most important to you is no longer normal, meanwhile everything is how it always was– the same.

I think that’s where I’ve been finding difficult in the grounded-ness; it’s hard to feel grounded when so many changes have occurred in your life in such a short amount of time, no matter how many of the changes are “positive.” Like, okay– this person who I was from birth to 23 is still here and I appreciate and love her, but she’s kind of sooo far gone from who I am now; how do I find peace in that person and in this abrupt transition? How do I honor the inner child in both versions of myself, whom I got so far away from in middle, high school & college? That’s more of my concern– finding all the things I let get buried along the way, and using them as anchors for this new Lauren going forward. Roots are important to me– also confirmed by my birth chart, lol. Worrying about when the other shoe might drop– but then, okay, the other shoe isn’t going to drop– I’m not going to fall back and regress into who I was, but now that I’m here, what’s next?

Any maybe I just answered my own question; we don’t need to worry about what’s next– what hypothetical concerns distract us from being present and having peace of mind in that moment. Just build on the bounty & abundance that you already and always have had inside of you.

Now, where we are today. My routine is no where near as “perfect” as it was 6 weeks ago, and that’s okay. I went out of town for a week and then work got crazy and I let my work-life balance slip, but tomorrow is Monday and we are going to try again with a new week. I have fresh food in the fridge, and after watching Seaspiracy I’ve decided to go primarily vegetarian– so I bought lots of fun “meatless meats”, and of the ones I’ve tried, they’re actually not half bad. I just signed up to volunteer with the Denver Democrats & the Denver Child Advocacy Center, so hoping to hear back from them soon. I think that will be a good way for me to get out of my apartment and reclaim some of the “grounded-ness” I’ve been seeking, but also find personal fulfillment by helping the community and getting involved. I know more people getting vaccinated and it warming up outside will help. I’m also exploring what it means to have boundaries for the first time in my life, and hahah booooy let me tell you– if you don’t have them, get you some! I have a book recommendation if anyone would like it. 🙂

If I had a nickle for every time I’ve debate picking up the phone and calling people to catch up but didn’t, I’d have $100K in the bank. I’m definitely one of those people who prides herself on being able to “pick up like it’s been no time at all” with people, but I think I’ve accidentally abused that with everything I’ve been trying to work through the past two years, because I honestly didn’t/still don’t know what to say to people– as if I need to explain myself, haha. But I do desire for people to understand, where possible, and I would like to apologize if it’s made anyone think I don’t care about our relationship, because I do! I care SO MUCH and I love so many people so, so deeply and love hearing about their lives and talking about silly things, and important things, and just hearing people’s voices. I’ve simply been having, and will likely have to continue to care more about me, and it’s taken 90% of any energy I have to give. Clearly if you’ve read this far, you can get an idea of what I’ve been processing and doing, haha. But also, like talking about grief, these aren’t things you want to talk about because they’re heavy, and not fun– not to mention having to have the same conversation more than once. Having to talk through emotional things more than once just to inform multiple people on the same topic is just a no from me, dawg. Nah. Hahaha, not subjecting myself to that, so I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. There also haven’t really been any good opportunities for me to share with a group at once, or really, in a way that I thought would be anything less than me monologuing for an hour or two, and crying, because that’s always inevitable. And I don’t want people to feel bad for me, because feeling bad for someone helps no one, and there’s no reason anyone should feel bad for me– I don’t even feel bad for me. It’s just, it’s hard to try and understand these changes within yourself in your own mind, let alone adequately explain it to your friends and family without them probably worrying about you, haha. So, I guess this is my first attempt in really sharing all of this. This started off as a way for me to really put into words everything I’ve been thinking about the last year and after spending all day on this I feel so much lighter. As a further result, maybe it can serve as some context around Lauren’s life, and maybe even a little inspiration for anyone who needs it.

Nowadays, I’m grateful to myself for putting myself higher on the priorities list. I’m grateful to old Lauren, who did a lot wrong, but man she was just doing her DAMN BEST to get us through each freaking day, so that we even had a fighting chance in getting to where we are now. I’m grateful to her for seeking therapy when substances were filling a void in her life, and to her for being open to realizing that they were never the answer in the first place– the answers are all inside you, baby. For being open to self-critique, not self-criticism. For taking care of and nourishing her body for once in her life, and for consciously choosing a different path for herself. For finding such a level of peace that I can now happy dance and jam for hours, totally present in the moment– something I never thought I’d do or even want to do. I’m grateful for all the friends and family who tried their best to intervene, and even though they were often met with defensive anger & didn’t see immediate results, you planted seeds in my brain that I one day chose to reap and sow with my own love and with the love and grace you have always extended to me, even when I didn’t always feel deserving of it. I don’t know who, nor do I understand who all these crazy asshole people out in our society are, who think only of and for themselves; because having an amazing community of people and relationships is what makes my life beautiful, enthralling, and totally worth living.

a few quotes that have resonated with me recently, as a parting “gift” of this post:

“I took care of myself, and it wasn’t beautiful. I took care of myself and looked at the overdue bills in the face, even though it hurt. I took care of myself and cried ugly through the therapy session; and made another appointment for next week. I put in the work and wrote all the bad memories in detail.

I apologized to the friends I didn’t have the energy to talk to. I finally cut off all my dead ends and bought produce; slimly avoided sustaining myself on barbecue chips and poetry. I recycled. I set an alarm for 8 hours of sleep and did not sleep more or less.

I took care of myself and it wasn’t bubble baths. It wasn’t lotions at Bath and Bodyworks, and three-cheese pizza. It was uncomfortable, it wasn’t beautiful, but I am, and it didn’t have to be beautiful to be worth it.” – Schuyler Peck, from “The Greatest Act of Self Love Isn’t Always Pretty“

“Throw away the idea that you will always be happy after serious healing has taken place. Low points are natural and they do not mean you have gone backward. What shows your progress is not reacting to the old triggers with the same intensity as before and knowing not to judge yourself when your mood is turbulent or heavy.” – Yung Pueblo

“It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons. Trust the journey.” – Marcandangel

All my love, & happy spring!

Love, Lauren